


Room For One More Troubled Soul

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Childhood Sweethearts, Guilt, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 20:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8028682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: Ben spends most of his time locked in a cell, wearing binders that dull his connection to the Force. He thinks that’s fair.Poe hasn’t spoken one word to him.Ben thinks that’s fair, too.





	Room For One More Troubled Soul

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt, "If you die, I'll kill you." Title from Fall Out Boy.

Ben spends most of his time locked in a cell, wearing binders that dull his connection to the Force. He thinks that’s fair.

Poe hasn’t spoken one word to him.

Ben thinks that’s fair, too.

His mother stands across the room, arms crossed over her chest. Sometimes Ben wonders how she can even stand to look at him.

“You believe you can do this?” she asks. “Truly? No posturing, Ben. If this fails…”

“I can do it.”

“If they don’t believe you--”

Ben is afraid. He wonders if she can tell. He wonders if it matters; he thinks it doesn’t. He has to do this. He owes his mother – the entire galaxy, really – much more than this. “I know.”

Leia searches his face. She must approve of what she finds because she nods. “I’ll be back later to discuss our plans.”

She departs. 

Ben doesn’t expect the figure of his mother to be replaced with that of Poe Dameron. He has to blink a few times to clear his vision and make sure he isn’t only imagining it.

He has imagined seeing Poe, speaking to him, more times than he can remember.

It never goes well in his head. He suspects the reality will be even worse.

“Poe,” he says.

Poe steps farther into the room, ignoring the chair. His face is set and still when Ben remembers it always full of emotion and life, hiding nothing. “Kylo.”

Ben flinches. It hurts, hearing that name come from Poe’s lips. The name that he is ashamed of, the face to all of his mistakes. The name he wishes he could throw away.

He can call himself Ben all he wants, can reclaim the identity of the person he was, but he knows that Kylo Ren will haunt him for the rest of his life, however long that proves to be.

“I wasn’t sure you would want to see me,” Ben says. He is digging his nails into the palms of his hands; the bright, needle-sharp sensation of pain helps.

“It isn’t a matter of wanting.”

“Of course.”

The silence aches. Poe’s presence looms large, at odds with how little space he actually takes up. Ben wonders if Poe was always this small, if it was only his vibrant personality that made him seem otherwise, the joyousness that drew the eye to him.

Maybe that’s stupid. Maybe Ben is just taller now. 

He is surprised when the next thing Poe says is, “Did I ever mean anything to you? Did you ever care for me at all?”

For a moment Ben just stares at him. How could Poe – did he think – He swallows. “Poe, I love--”

“No!” Poe actually looks frightened, like he’s afraid to even hear the words, the answer to the question he asked. “No, don’t say it, you don’t get to say that. Not to me.”

“I’m sorry.” Ben can only whisper it. He knows it’s a worthless thing to say.

“You’re sorry?” Poe’s voice is raised; he sounds frantic. “You tried to murder my friends! You sat by and watched while an entire system was destroyed, you razed a village full of innocent people to the ground, you looked in my face and _tortured_ me while you hid behind your stupid mask. Fuck your apology.”

Ben doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t think there’s actually anything he can say and there certainly isn’t anything he could say that Poe would want to hear. All Ben can give him are excuses but there are no excuses for what he has done.

“Did you even hesitate?”

Ben doesn’t need Poe to clarify. He knows what Poe is asking. He can’t bring himself to say the words but his silence is as good as saying them anyway.

Poe’s face is too open; Ben can see every line of hurt in his expression, the resigned acceptance that Ben had looked at him, had seen him, the face of someone he had laughed with, shared secrets with, woken up next to, and had… Ben had seen him, and Ben hadn’t cared.

Well, he had cared. But not enough.

“I thought you’d died, you know. I mourned you. I heard the rumors, later, but… It was easier to keep believing you were dead. Ben--” Poe’s voice catches. “My Ben could never have done the things they said you did.”

Ben wonders what his own face shows. It probably doesn’t matter; he isn’t sure what would. 

“Even after, after Leia told me, after I knew it was true. I could still pretend, I could pretend you were dead, because you were. You were dead to me. The Ben I loved, he wasn’t Kylo Ren. But now you’re here, and you… You _look_ like him, you…” 

Poe steps closer; he is less than an arm’s length away. Ben hasn’t stood this close to Poe since the _Finalizer_ , since he ripped screams from Poe’s throat. He feels like crying.

He freezes still when Poe drags his fingers down the side of Ben’s face, over the scar Rey gave him. Poe’s hand shakes; he is chewing on his lip. “Can’t you just have the decency to look like someone else?”

Ben’s throat feels rough and dry; it is difficult to speak. “Would that help?”

“Maybe. I just… How am I supposed to…” Poe isn’t crying; he won’t cry, Ben knows. But his eyes look wet and red and that’s maybe even worse. “I _loved_ you. Why couldn’t you just stay dead?” 

“You probably won’t have to worry about that much longer. If I make it through this, I’ll be executed.”

No one has raised this truth, at least not where Ben can hear them. But he knows it is a truth. He is going to die; the only remaining questions are how and by whose hand.

And will he have been able to make any amends before it happens?

“Luke will fight for you. So will Leia.”

Ben scoffs. “I doubt it.” Luke, yes. Luke who found it in his heart to forgive even Darth Vader. His uncle is nothing but love and empathy and forgiveness, a boundless font of optimism and hope no matter how much darkness he sees. But his mother? His mother is of a different make and Ben has cut her to her soul.

_Will you help me?_

“You’re her son,” Poe says, as if that explains everything.

“Not the son she deserved.”

Something flickers in Poe’s expression and Ben realizes that for the first time, Poe is beginning to believe him. He is beginning to believe in the depth and the veracity of Ben’s regret, of his contrition. 

Ben doesn’t know if that will be enough, if that will ever be enough, and he thinks maybe it won’t be. He thinks maybe Poe will never be able to forgive him and that’s okay. Ben knows he doesn’t deserve it. He knows he can’t make up for what he’s done.

But if Poe will at least believe that he is sorry, that’s something.

“What do any of us deserve?” Poe says quietly, clearly not asking for a response. He simply gazes at Ben for a long time and Ben can almost remember how it felt when Poe looked at him like he was the best thing in Poe’s life. They had been young and foolish and Ben had never appreciated what he had then. 

He would appreciate it now, he thinks. Something good and safe and his, something that hasn’t been broken. Shame he had to ruin everything.

Poe cups Ben’s face in his hand, calloused thumb rubbing Ben’s skin. The touch is brief and makes Ben shiver before Poe pulls away. If this is the last time Poe ever touches him, at least Ben will have the memory of it to carry with him, a talisman for when he faces Snoke. It’s more than he had expected.

“If you die,” Poe says, his gaze heavy on Ben’s face, “I’ll kill you.”

Poe is gone before Ben can even begin to think of what to say. There is a strange sensation growing in his chest.

It feels like hope.

_**End** _

**Author's Note:**

> Shout at me on Tumblr [here](http://serceleste.tumblr.com)!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Room for One More Troubled Soul](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8734396) by [KeeperofSeeds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeeperofSeeds/pseuds/KeeperofSeeds)




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